Dad is never around!/ Papá nunca está!

hmmm... tough, uh? This is what Sol, my eldest daughter, told me last night when I was tucking her into bed. And right after it came the desperate cries for her father, and the uncontrollable sobbing and the need for a lot of hugs and soothing.

How is it possible that a father can just take so much time away from his kids, as if they didn't need him? How is it possible for a parent to say he cannot live without his darling daughters, and then not turn up to visit them in months? Is it possible that being 160 km away from where they live might be too far away not to visit them often, let's say, every weekend? He has a car so he can drive it here and take less than two hours.

I cannot understand parents who stay away from their kids and say they cannot live without them. I cannot understand parents who say they cannot help out economically in their children's upbringing because they are thinking about their future... in the meantime, just one is left responsible for their present (with EVERYTHING that it involves). And these parents are always seen as the greatest in their children's eyes, they are the most fun to be with, they are such good company, never scold... still, they are never around either.

So, if I cannot understand all this, how am I supposed to explain it to my daughter?

And she is still not mature enough to speak up and say all this to her father... not yet, though soon...


hmmm... qué difícil, no? Esto es lo que Sol, mi hija mayor, me dijo anoche cuando la estaba arropando. Y acto seguido vino el llanto desesperado por su padre, ese que no se puede controlar, y la necesidad de los mimos y abrazos.

Cómo es posible que un padre se tome tanto tiempo alejado de sus hijos, como si ellos no lo necesitaran? Cómo es posible que un padre diga que no puede vivir sin sus adorabless hijas y luego no aparezca durante meses a visitarlas? Es posible que estando a tan sólo 160 km de aquí sienta que es muy lejos para venir a visitarlas más seguido, digamos todos los fines de semana? Venir en su propio auto no le llevaría más de dos horas...

No puedo entender a los padres que se mantienen alejados de sus hijos y al mismo tiempo dicen que no pueden vivir sin ellos. No puedo entender a los padres que dicen que no pueden ayuar económicamente en la crianza de sus hijos porque están pensando en su futuro... mientras tanto, sólo uno queda como responsable de su presente (con TODO lo que ello implica). Y estos padres siempre son los que parecen ser los más divertidos, con los que los hijos más se divierten, son los que nunca retan. siempre tienen palabras positivas para darles... aún así, tampoco nunca están cuando deben estar.

Entonces, si YO no entiendo todo esto, cómo se supone que deba explicárselo a mi hija? Y ella aún no es lo suficientemente madura como para hablarlo con su papá... aún no, aunque muy pronto...

Innocence of childhood (2)/ La inocencia de la niñez (2)

"And now... what?" This was my younger daughter's question when she woke up this morning and said that now that Santa had already come, was it time for the Three Wise Men to drop by? I told Sophia that it was still a few days till January 6th. And her spontaneous answer was , "But I have already got all the fresh grass for their camels! And now, what...? What can I do? You should tell them to come tonight, mum, so that they can eat fresh grass, not dry. Will you, mummie, will you, please?". Again, children's innocence. =)

"Y ahora... qué?" Esta fue la pregunta de mi hija menor, Sofía, cuando se despertó esta mañana, y me dijo que ahora que Papá Noel ya había pasado, entonces ya era hora que llegaran los Reyes Magos? Le dije que todavía faltaban algunos días hasta el 6 de enero. Y su respuesta espontánea fue, "Pero yo ya les junté el pastito fresco para los camellos! Y ahora, qué...? Qué puedo hacer? tenés que decirles que pasen esta noche, mami, así los camellos pueden comer el pasto fresquito. Les decís, mami, les decís, por favor?" Nuevamente, la inocencia de los niños. =)

Xmas is over/ Pasó la Navidad

Xmas is over and the girls had a wonderful time!!! That is in part what this season is about: making others happy! Though if you asked me personally, I feel that on Christmas day, I have the excuse to give gifts to those people I love, as I am the type of person who enjoys giving gifts; and feeling the happiness of others makes me happy too!

So, we had a beautiful family meeting at my younger brother's house... and everything went well: the gifts were all very much welcomed, the food was great and everyone seemed to be in such a jolly spirit.

To tell the truth, we are not the typical family who just get together on such special occasions as birthdays, baptisms, Easter, Xmas and funerals. It's only five of us, the eldest in our 40's and the two youngest in their 30's, and there is no other family member older than us. Our parents and grandparents have left already. So that we make the best of our everyday life by keeping in touch on a daily basis, on the phone, through sms, personally... and life is beautiful this way.

Because we might have our disagreements from time to time, as all people do, but we are so united and love each other so much, that we never ever fail to be there for each other. Most of our friends cannot believe how well we get along, and openly say how much they envy our relationship. I must say that we do not feel that keeping in touch or getting together at weekends for a barbecue and day in the siwimming pool is something forced, as many others feel when they have to gather with their siblings. We do it because we enjoy it!!! And that is what life is all about... enjoying what you do!

Pasó la Navidad y mis hijas la pasaron bárbaro! Esto es parte de lo que se trata la Navidad: hacer a otros felices! Aunque si me preguntaran a mí, en lo personal siento que en esta época tengo la excusa perfecta para darle obsequios a las personas que amo, ya que soy el tipo de persona que disfruta regalando; y sentir la felicidad de los otros también me hace feliz!

Así que tuvimos una lindísima reunión familiar en la casa de mi hermano menor... y todo salió de maravillas: los obsequios fueron muy agradecidos, la comida estuvo genial y todos parecieron estar tan contentos.

A decir la verdad, no somos la familia tipo que sólo se reúne para ocasiones especiales como aniversarios, bautismos, Pascuas, Navidad y funerales. Somos sólo 5, los tres mayores ya cuarentones y los dos menores de treinta y pico, y no tenemos ningún otro miembro en la familia mayor que nosotros. Nuestros padres y abuelos ya se han ido, por lo que hacemos lo mejor que podemos en nuestro día a día para estar estar conectados, por teléfono, sms, personalmente... y la vida es muy bella de esta manera.

Porque es verdad que tenemos nuestros desacuerdos de tanto en tanto, como todo el mundo los tiene, pero somos tan unidos y nos amamos tanto que nunca dejamos de estar al lado de cada uno. Muchos de nuestros amigos no pueden creer lo bien que nos llevamos, y abiertamente dicen cómo nos envidian y la relación tan unida que tenemos!

Debo agregar que no sentimos que sea un esfuerzo ni una obligación mantenernos en contacto o juntarnos el fin de semana para un asado o para compartir el día en la piscina, como sé que hay muchos que les pasa (sienten que es un estorbo, una molestia, algo cansador y agobiante juntarse con sus hermanos y hermanas!). Nosotros lo hacemos porque lo disfrutamos inmensamente!!!!! Y de eso se trata la vida... disfrutar lo que hacemos!

Innocence of childhood 1/ La inocencia de la niñez 1

Being a child is just wonderful. I have two daughters, aged 9 and 4. My eldest daughter knows that Santa Claus does not exist. She asked about it last year, just a few days before Xmas. I had had no intention of letting her know then and there about the truth, but she insisted so much, that she gave the impression that she was ready to take the facts with her chin high up. But I was so wrong!!

We sat down and I explained to her everything there was to know... and the worst came right after. She started crying, not because Santa did not exist, but because I had lied to her all her life. According to her, I had cheated on her and made her believe something that was just fantasy, saying I had had no right to be so mean. So imagine my shock when I heard her speak these harsh words. Later, I understood that she had been really hurt, as deep in her heart she had been wishing for me to tell her that it was all real. I know she desperately wanted to keep on believing, but she needed it to be true.

Today, just a few days from Christmas, both my girls are looking forward with enthusiasm to Santa's visit. The little one believing he is real, though making the comment every time we come across a guy dressed in a Santa costume, that he is one of Santa's helpers, as he is way too busy in the North Pole getting everything ready for the night of Xmas Eve. And the eldest... well, today she said that she preferred to believe that it was all real, as it helped to keep the spirit of Xmas alive as well as sharing her sister's joy and innocence, while she winked her eye at me and gave me that beautiful smile of hers...

La niñez es maravillosa. Tengo dos hijas, de 9 y 4 años. Mi hija mayor sabe que Papá Noel no existe. Me lo preguntó el año pasado, apenas unos días antes de Navidad. Yo no había tenido la intención de que se enterara en ese momento de la verdad, pero insistió tanto que me dió la impresión de estar preparada para aceptar los hechos con la frente en alto. Qué equivocada estaba!!!

Nos sentamos y le expliqué todo lo que había que explicar... y ahí vino lo peor. Empezó a llorar desconsoladamente, no porque Papá Noel no existiera, sino porque le había mentido durante toda su vida. Según ella, la había engañado haciéndole creer en algo que sólo era fantasía, agregando que no tenía derecho a tanta maldad.

Así que imagínense el shock en que entré cuando escuché estas palabras tan duras siendo dirigidas a mí por mi hija. Más adelante entendí que realmente mi hija había estado dolida y muy lastimada, ya que muy adentro en su corazón ella había estado deseando que le dijera que sí, que todo era real. Sé que ella necesitaba desesperadamente seguir creyendo, pero tenía que ser verdadero, real.

Hoy, faltando sólo unos días para Navidad, mis dos hijas esperan con entusiasmo la visita de Papá Noel. La más pequeñita creyendo que él es real, aunque comentando cada vez que ve a alguno de los tantos Santas que se encuentran en los shoppings, galerías y negocios, que ninguno de ellos es Santa en realidad sino sus ayudantes, ya que él está muy ocupado en el Polo Norte preparándose para salir a repartir los obsequios en Nochebuena. Y la mayor... bueno, hoy me dijo que prefería creer que era todo realidad, ya que eso contribuía a mantener vivo el espíritu de la Navidad al mismo tiempo que la ayudaba a compartir la felicidad e inocencia de su hermana, mientras que me guiñaba un ojo y compartía conmigo esa lindísisma sonrisa que tiene...

What else??/ Qué más??

Many International Days have been invented so as to make people aware of the world in which they live. We have been bombarded with the importance of looking after the environment through the International Environment Day... what has also been brought to our attention is how fast the poles are melting, thus the apparition of the International Day of the Poles... and in this way piles of others that have been brought into our daily life, so that we know what is going on around us.
And today is the International Orgasm Day!!! Is it necessary to have such a day in the calendar of important dates? Do we have to be reminded about the importance of orgasms and the joy they bring? Does anyone, anywhere, need to be told :"Hey, have an orgasm today!"??
I understand that there are certain issues and topics that have to be made public, so that people around the world notice them... but orgasms? This is just too much...

Se han inventado varios Días Internacionales para que la gente vea qué es lo que ocurre en el mundo en que viven. Se nos ha bombardeado con la importancia de cuidar el medio en el que vivimos a través del Día International del Medio Ambiente... se nos ha hecho notar la rapidez con la cual se están derritiendo los polos con el Día Internacional de los Polos... y de esta manera pilas de otros días han sido insertos a nuestra vida diaria para que estemos enterados de lo que está pasando a nuestro alrededor.
Y hoy es el Día Internacional del Orgasmo!!! Es necesario tener tal día en el calendario de días importantes a ser recordados? Se nos tiene que recordar sobre la importancia de los orgasmos y la felicidad que traen? Alguien, en algún lugar, necesita que le digan: "hey, tené un orgasmo hoy!"??
Entiendo que haya determinados temas que tengan que hacerse públicos, para que la población del mundo los note, se entere de ellos... pero orgasmos? Esto ya es demasiado...

MSN Hypocresy?/Hipocresía MSN?

Unbelievable!!! Checking out blogs belonging to some people I love a lot, I came up with a post that absolutely froze me, because this person had sworn he had never blocked me from any of his accounts, that the MSN was functioning SO badly, and that he seldom logged in. HA! Talking about Hypocresy... the biggest hypocrite is he who does not admit that he has blocked you from his account.
When I don't feel like talking to someone through the Messenger, I do not block him/her; I simply explain I cannot talk at that moment and say goodbye. And I don't talk in two-letter words, not chat with piles of people at the same time... though I DO laugh a lot, just as I normally do in my every day life. As the chat through this device is like chatting face to face with your dear ones (or almost).
I do not believe that the Messenger is like leaving a window open to one's intimacy. And if who wrote it believes it is so, he only has to include in his/her list of contacts he wants or loves. Period. It's as simple as that.

Increíble!!! Paseando por algunos blogs de gente que quiero mucho, me topé con algo que me dejó helada, porque esta persona me juró que nunca me había bloqueado de ninguna de sus cuentas, que el MSN estaba andando MUY mal, y que además ya casi no se conectaba. JA! Hablando de hipocresía... el más hipócrita es aquel que no admite que te tiene como no admitido.
Cuando yo no tengo ganas de hablar con alguien por el messenger, no lo bloqueo; simplemente me excuso y me despido. Como tampoco hablo con muchos al mismo tiempo, dando respuestas monosilábicas... aunque sí me río mucho, porque suelo hacerlo normalmente en mi vida diaria. Y el diálogo en este artilugio es como estar charlando en persona (o casi).
No creo que el Messenger significa dejar una ventana abierta a la intimidad de uno. Y si quien lo escrbió así lo cree, no tiene más que no incluir en su lista de contactos a gente que no quiere. Punto. Es así de sencillo.

End of the year hockey party/Fiesta de fin de año de hockey

Saturday, December 15th. It was the day of the big celebration at the club to say farewell until February next year. Just some of us in my team in this pic, plus our coack, his father and one of our faithful audience every time we play: Gustavo.
We had a GREAT time; ate delicious food, drank as hell and danced till 6 am!!!!!

Sábado 15 de Diciembre. Fue la noche de la fiesta de de hockey fin de año del club, para despediros hasta febrero del 2008. Solo estamos algunas del equipo en esta foto, más Riky, nuestro entrenador, su papá y nuestro fiel seguidor Gustavo!! La pasamos GENIAL; una rica cena, tomamos como locos y el baile duró hasta las 6 de la matina!!!!!

Erasure... just beautiful

"A Little Respect", by Erasure, acoustic...
Mind-blowing, beautiful, simple and to the point. =)

At last.../ Por fin...

... the end of the school year for my daughters, and thus of the working year for me, has arrived! Now, we have almost three long months to enjoy together. Lots of activities and outings have already been planned by both of them ... as they were so much looking forward to the beginning of their summer holidays! (which mean as much as not having to wake up at dawn, nor studying for long hours everyday, as by being able to use their time as best they want... and certainly spending time with mommie!)


As regards me, naturally I am thrilled by the prospect of spending so much time with the girls, something I can hardly do during the year due to our busy schedules... though I know that I will have to practise the art of patience! haha





... llegó el fin del año escolar para mis hijas, y de la misma manera del año laboral para mí! Ahora, tenemos casi tres largos meses para divertirnos juntas. Muchas actividades ya han sido planeadas por ambas... ya que estaban ansiosas por la llegada de sus vacaciones de verano! (lo que implica no tener que despertarse al amanecer, ni estudiar por largas horas todos los días, y también usar su tiempo como más les plazca... y por supuesto el poder compartir tiempo con mami!)

En cuanto a mí, naturalmente que estoy contentísima por poder pasar tanto tiempo con las nenas, algo que no hago mucho durante el año debido a nuestros tan complicados horarios... aunque sé que voy a tener que practicar el arte de la paciencia! jeje

Being thankful.../Dar gracias...

...that is what life is all about. We must learn to be thankful for what we are, for the people in our lives, for every time that we awake to a new day. And specially, we must be thankful for those who love us dearly and try to make our life better and happier every day, never mind what means they choose to use to do so. It's their intention that counts.

Thus, I am thankful for my daughters, for my brothers and sisters, for my students at school, for my job, for the many friends I have made along the way, as well as for those people who were just in my life for a season... all of these have made me what I am.


... de eso se trata la vida. Debemos aprender a ser agradecidos por lo que somos, por la gente en nuestras vidas, por cada día al que despertamos. Y especialmente, debemos ser agradecidos a aquellos que nos aman y tratan de hacer que nuestra vida sea mejor y mucho más feliz cada día, no importa de qué manera decidan hacerlo. ya que lo que vale es la intención.

Por eso, le doy gracias a mis hijas, a mis hermanos y hermanas, a mis alumnos en el colegio, a mi trabajo, a los tantísimos amigos que he ido haciendo a lo largo del camino, al igual que a los que estuvieron en mi vida sólo por un tiempo... ya que todos ellos hicieron que yo sea lo que soy.

Forgiveness/ Perdonar...

When someone hurts us, forgiving, at times, becomes something so hard to achieve. What I have realized is that many times those near and dear to us might hurt us unknowingly, either because they cannot hear what we say, do not understand us fully, or are just too worked up with their own selves to see what and who we are.

What might seem as something unimportant to some, is extremely important to others. So, before speaking or writing those words that came to you or of doing something that might turn out to be very stupid, really take the time to find out if that could harm your dear one... you could be surprised at learning that what you considered was nonsense meant the world to the other person.

Cuando alguien nos lastima hay momentos en que perdonar se hace tan difícil! Lo que he aprendido es que muchas veces los que están cercanos a nosotros, sea físicamente pero más emocionalmente, nos lastiman sin saberlo, ya sea porque no nos escuchan, no nos entienden completamente, o están demasiado ocupados con sí mismos para ver claramente quién y qué somos.

Lo que podría parecer algo sin importancia para algunos, es extremadamente importante para otros. Por eso, antes de decir o escribir esas palabras que se te pueden ocurrir decir, o de hacer algo que puede llegar a ser algo estúpido, tómate el tiempo para realmente ver si eso po'dría lastimar al ser amado... te sorprenderías al averiguar que lo que considerabas algo zonzo podría significar el mundo para la otra persona.

A thought/ Una reflexión... (III)

"Life is too short. So, follow some rules: Forgive quickly, believe slowly, love truly, laugh loudly & never avoid anything that makes you smile..."

"La vida es muy corta. Así que unas reglas para seguir: perdona rápido, cree despacio, ama verdaderamente, ríete en voz alta y fuerte y nunca evites nada que te haga sonreir..."

Selfishness?/Egoísmo?

Many times I wonder if I am mistaken about people and relationships.

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and kind person, who has always been there for anyone who has needed a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to their troubles... always there for whatever came my way and would help unburden others of their pains, difficulties or lack of company and understanding from those around them.

But at times I really wonder how much those people I have helped and given a helping hand to haven't been selfish... and are selfish most of the times, not caring about my feelings towards them. As, is it right to run to good old Jeannie when in difficulty and then ignore her completely when life is smiling at them?

I honestly couldn't care if that was the case or not. But it does hurt to realize that I am used many times for selfish purposes... and will always be because it makes me feel good to be there for others, in spite of everything...

Muchas veces me he cuestionado si estoy tan errada acerca de la gente y las relaciones humanas.

Siempre me he considerado una persona amable y abierta, que siempre ha estado para los que han necesitado una mano amiga, un hombro sobre el cual llorar, un oído que escuchara sus problemas... siempre ahí para el que se acercara buscando que lo ayudara a quitarse de encima el peso de sus penas, dificultades o la falta de compañía y entendimiento de los que lo rodean.

Pero hay momentos en los que realmente me pregunto hasta qué punto esa gente que he ayudado no ha sido egoísta... y lo son la mayoría de las veces, no importándoles lo que yo pueda sentir por ellos. Ya que, está bien correr a la divina de Jeannie sólo cuando están en problemas e ignorarme completamente cuando la vida les sonríe?

Honestamente no me importa si ese es el caso o no. Pero duele darme cuenta que muchas veces soy usada con fines egoístas... y siempre lo seré, porque me hace bien estar ahí para los otros, a pesar de todo...

I am happy/ Estoy feliz

Today I can say that I am happy. A friend of mine wrote to me yesterday, saying, "Start your day with an affirmation that, no matter what, you will maintain your calm attitude towards everyone today... in all situations..." And she was SO right! The difference a positive attitude accompanied by a smile can make is just amazing, even in the most bizarre situations... not an easy task, though worth it, as isn't life about effort and enjoying the accomplishments achieved through it?

In spite of:

• not being able to share my life with the man I love dearly, because he is so, so far away, physically as well as emotionally...


• hearing some people talking bullshit about me...


• not having as much money as I need...


• having to work my arse out...


• having lost my properties to a con man...

I AM HAPPY!!!!!

Because I:

• am alive...


• know myself very well and as a result love myself...


• have two beautiful daughters, my angels in spite of their mischiefs...


• started playing hockey again after so many years, rediscovering my passion for the sport...


• share beautiful moments with my sister, two brothers and their spouses and kids...


• have great friends who have never let me down...


• do what I like, teaching, and on top of it, get paid for enjoying every moment I spend in a classroom with my students...


• make new friends every day of my life...


• have met with long-lost friends who after years of being apart have told me how much I have changed their lives and how dearly they have always loved me and still do...


• know I am important and dear to so many people...

I AM HAPPY!!!!!

I have put on some weight, grown a few white hairs and had some wrinkles appear on my face. But I don't care growing old as long as I am happy, surrounded by those dear to me! =)

Hoy puedo decir que soy feliz. Una amiga me escribió ayer, diciéndome: "Empezá tu día con una afirmación, que sin importar lo que venga, vas a mantener una actitud calma hacia todos... en todas las situaciones..." Y tenía TANTA razón! La diferencia que puede hacer una actitud positiva junto a una sonrisa es alucinante, aún en las situaciones más bizarras... y no es una tarea fácil, pero vale la pena, porque acaso la vida no se trata justamente del esfuerzo y de disfrutar los logros obtenidos a través de él?

A pesar de:

• No poder compartir mi vida con el hombre que amo, porque está tan, tan lejos física y emocionalmente...


• escuchar a algunas personas hablando boludeces sobre mí...


• no tener tanto dinero como necesito...


• tener que romperme el alma trabajando...


• haber perdido mis propiedades en manos de un estafador...

SOY FELIZ!!!!!

Porque:

• estoy viva...


• me conozco bien y por ello me amo...


• tengo dos hijas preciosas, mis ángeles a pesar de sus travesuras...


• empecé a jugar al hockey nuevamente después de tantísimo tiempo, redescubriendo la pasión que sentía por este deporte...


• comparto momentos adorables con mi hermana y mis hermanos, sus parejas y mis sobrinos...


• tengo amigos maravillosos que nunca me abandonan...


• hago lo que me gusta, enseñar, y encima, me pagan por divertirme en la clase con mis alumnos...


• hago nuevos amigos cada día...


• me he reencontrado con aquellos amigos que creía perdidos, quiénes luego de añares de haber estado separados me han dicho cuánto he significado en su vida y cuánto me querían y aún me quieren...


• sé que soy importante y querida por mucha gente...

SOY FELIZ!!!!!

He aumentado un poco de peso, me han crecido algunas canas y hasta tengo unas arrugas más en la cara. pero no me importa hacerme más vieja siempre y cuando sea feliz, rodeada de mis seres queridos! =)

People.../Personas...

People come into our lives for a reason. I do not believe that anything happens just by chance. Ever since we are born, and throughout our lives, we are in contact with people, most of whom will have a meaningful reason for being there, and some who will just be in our lives for a season, and touch it in a special way, either good or bad.

All relationships, whether positive or negative, long-lasting or short, give our lives a twist, offering something for us to learn from. When we are born, the first people we come in contact with are our parents, who nurture, love, feed, clothe, care, teach, laugh, smile, cry, scold, show, guide, share with us everything they are and have. And since then, any other person we meet has a reason for being in our lives: our teachers, friends, crushes, siblings, relatives, school friends, mates, neighbours, team mates, colleagues, lousy lovers, Mr./Mrs. Right, the professionals who look after our mental and physical health... so many people whom we usually take for granted.

I have had lots of very special and dear people in my life... still have plenty of them! Some I have lost through death; and I have had my share of negative, selfish, mean, and evil people as well. And all of them have taught me something, being the most important lesson: to believe in myself and who I am!!!! Those who don´t understand it or have not been able to see it are definitely missing out on something great!! =)

But what is of utter importance is to nurture all or relationships... never take anyone in your life for granted... they might not be there when you run to them if you have neglected them too long.

Las personas entran en nuestra vida por una razón. No creo en eso de la casualidad, mas sí en la causalidad. Desde que nacemos, y a lo largo de nuestra vida, estamos en contacto con gente de todo tipo, muchos de los cuales tendrán una razón importante para estar allí, algunos que estarán sólo por una temporada, tocando nuestra vida en una forma especial, ya sea buena o mala.

Todas las relaciones humanas, sean positivas o negativas, duraderas o cortas, hacen que nuestra vida cambie, nos ofrecen algo de lo cual aprender. Cuando nacemos, las primeras personas con quienes entramos en contacto son nuestros padres, quienes nos nutren, aman, alimentan, visten, cuidan, enseñan, sonríen, retan, muestran, guían, compartiendo con nosotros todo lo que son y tienen. Y desde ese día en adelante, toda aquella persona que conozcamos tiene un motivo por el cual ha entrado en nuestra vida: nuestros maestros, amigos, conocidos, enamorados, hermanos, familiares, compañeros de colegio, vecinos, compañeros de equipo, colegas, amantes de terror, nuestro GRAN amor, los profesionales que cuidan de nuestra salud mental y física... tanta gente que asumimos está y siempre estará.

Yo tuve mucha gente muy especial y querida en mi vida... y aún tengo mucha!!!! Algunos se han ido porque murieron; y también tuve mi cuota de gente negativa, egoísta, malvada, y falsa. Y todos me han enseñado algo, siendo la más importante lección: creer en mí misma y en quién soy!!!! Aquellos que no lo entiendan o no hayan sido capaces de verlo se están perdiendo de algo genial!! =)

Pero algo que es de suma importancia es alimentar todas nuestras relaciones... nunca des por sentado que las personas en tu vida estarán ahí siempre... pueden no estarlo cuando corras a ellos si los has ignorado demasiado tiempo.

Am I growing old...? Part 2/ Me estoy volviendo vieja...? Parte 2

At the beginning of November I posted "Am I growing old...?" talking about the different things that at times make me wonder if I am REALLy growing old or not. But what happened today on the train from Belgrano C station to Retiro station absolutely confirmed my doubts: I AM growing old!!

I have been taught that it is good manners and a way of showing respect to give the seat to older women, elderly women and men, pregnant women and handicapped people on trains and buses. When I took the train at Belgrano C station to go back home after some private lessons I had today, as soon as the train left the station a young guy, in his early twenties, offered me his seat! I asked if he was getting off at the next station, and he said he was getting off soon. We both got down at Retiro station... I am DEFINITELY looking and becoming old!!!!

A principios de noviembre, posteé "Am I growing old...?" hablando sobre diferentes cosas que hacen que a veces me cuestione si REALMENTE me estoy volviendo vieja. Pero lo que pasó hoy en el tren desde la estación de Belgrano C a la estación Retiro acabó por confirmar mis dudas: me ESTOY poniendo vieja!!

Me han enseñado que es de buena educación cederle el asiento en el tren o el colectivo a los mayores, las mujeres embarazadas y los discapacitados. Cuando tomé el tren en la estación de Belgrano C para volver a casa después de unas clases particulares que había dado, apenas salimos de la estación, un chico joven de no más de 25 años, se levantó para darme su asiento! Le pregunté si se bajaba en la próxima estación y me djo que se bajaba pronto. Ambos nos bajamos en Retiro... DEFINITIVAMENTE, me estoy volviendo vieja!!!!

El gran paso/The big decision

La vida está llena de estos grandes pasos. No es sólo uno el que debemos tomar a lo largo de nuestra existencia. Cuando decidí mudarme a vivir sola, lejos de mi casa materna y de mi familia a los 22 años, todos me decían que estaba dando un gran paso en mi vida. Decidir qué quería ser en y hacer de mi vida, a qué profesión dedicarme; nuevamente otro gran paso. El gran paso de decidir casarme y formar mi familia, y la llegada de Sol y convertirme en madre por primera vez.
Comprar mi primer departamento y decidir dónde; luego la casa en la costa y nuevamente tomar la decisión de cuál sería el mejor lugar. Otro gran paso, entre los tantos que ya venía dando... y los que vendrían, y siguen viniendo!!
Y cuando falleció mi mamá vino el que pensé sería el último con tanta importancia: dar el paso de separarme, porque así no iba más. Mas en el intento por salvar lo insalvable, por Sol, quedé embarazada de Sofía. Y nuevamente otro gran paso: el de decidir seguir adelante sola a pesar de una separación anunciada.
La vida me pone a prueba continuamente, tomando decisiones que no quiero tomar, diciéndome, bah, en realidad gritándome en la cara que decida y tome el siguiente paso. En muchos de los pasos que tomé me equivoqué, imposible no admitirlo, pero con cada uno de esos pasos fui siendo la Jeannie que soy hoy, con mis defectos y virtudes.
Y cada día sigo teniendo que decidir y dar otro paso: al elegir el presente de mis hijas y pensar en cómo influirá sobre su futuro; al elegir mis amistades, en quién confiar y en quién no. Y aunque muchas veces me duela, voy dejando en el camino gente a la que quiero mucho.
Y ahora, ¿es necesario decidir si dar este gran paso y decirte adiós para siempre? Cómo me encantaría que me dijeras que no, que estás ahí y seguirás estando, que no te marchas y que no debo despedirme de tí para siempre...

Life is full of these big decisions. It is not just ONE big decision in life but so many of them at different times. When I decided to move and live alone, away from my family and home when I was 22 years old, everyone told me this was a big decision I was making, an important step I was taking into my future. To decide what I wanted to be and become in life, what profession to pursue; once again, another big decision. The big decision of deciding to marry and have my own family, and Sol´s birth and becoming a mother for the first time.
Buying my first apartment and deciding where; then the house on the beach and once again deciding which would be the best location to do so. Another big step, among so many I had already given... and among those to come, and which are still coming my way!!
And when my mom died, came what I believed would be the last decision of such importance: giving the step towards separation and divorce, as we could not keep on this way. But we tried it once again, making the effort of loving each other again for Sol, as she deserved to have her parents with her. And when doing so, I became pregnant of Sophia, my sweet angel. And once again a very important decision: To carry on with my life and my kids on my own.
Life is testing me every day, making me make decisions I don´t want to make, telling me, bah, it´s more like shouting at me in the face to decide and give the next step. In many of the steps I have taken, I have made mistakes, impossible not to admit it; but with every one of those decisions I have made, I have turned into the Jeannie I am today, with all my flaws and virtues.
And I have to keep on making decisions and taking steps forward: when chosing my daughters´ present and thinking how it might influence their future; when chosing my friends, learning who to trust in and who not to trust. And although many times it might hurt, there are people who are left along the way, people whom I loved dearly.
And now, is it necessary to decide if I should make this big decision and say goodbye to you forever? I would love to hear you saying that I mustn´t, that you are there for me and will always be, that you are not leaving and that I mustn´t say goodbye...

The underground train/ El subterráneo

The most amazing people can be seen when one travels everyday in the underground train in Buenos Aires. There are those selling anything from hair-bands to flashlights, passing through an assortment of the most varied items (pens, stickers, note-books, maps of the city, cookies... you name it, you have it).

One can also see the young adolescents who automatically look the other way whenever a pregnant woman, elderly or handicapped person steps on to the train... they suddenly become too busy with their i-pods, listening to their music and wondering, "Where shall I hang out tonight?", too busy to care enough for others around them.

There are also those who make of stealing their way of living... but there is also always the one who will shout out, "Watch your belongings! Thieves on board!", acting bravely? and aiming at scaring them and making them get off at the following station, many times achieving the aim. Sorry about those on the folowing train, as they might not get so lucky.

There are those two guys, from a theatre group, who walk along the wagons, sharing jokes and making people participate of their "show", in hope of bringing a smile to their otherwise troubled and stressed faces. I never fail to have a good laugh when I see them, even if I have already heard the same jokes a thousand times, because they are funny and positively make my day! At least that is their intention, and they very well pull it through with me!

And there is also this very, very old man. Lots maybe think that he is homeless, and he might very well be... I don´t know. All I know about him is that he is a poet, and walks along each wagon, slowly moving forward among the herds of people going to and from work, offering those well-mannered enough to accept his booklet of writings. And those, like me, who have had the decency of accepting it, have been shocked to see what beautiful poems he has written. I have already bought all of his productions, and like so many others, I await his presence in my train, hoping he will turn up with something new to sell.

In a way, I feel sorry for him, an old man having to make a living this way, when he has written some famous plays in his youth. And I am also proud of such a character, as he is strong enough to go out selling his writings, with his head as high as his old age permits him to, instead of begging on the streets or staying at home (does he have one?) wasting his life away.

Todo tipo de gente puede ser vista en el subte por los que cada día del año viajamos en él en la ciudad de Buenos Aires. Están los famosos vendedores ambulantes, que te venden desde unas banditas para el pelo hasta linternas, pasando por la más amplia variedad de productos (biromes, anotadores, stickers, mapas de la ciudad, galletitas... pedilo y lo tenés).

Uno también puede encontrarse con esos egoístas adolescentes, que al ver que sube al tren una embarazada, anciano o discapacitado, de pronto se vuelven ocupados con sus i-pods, interesados sólo en su música y preguntándose, "¿Dónde saldremos hoy con los chicos?", demasiado engrosados en su propio mundo como para interesarse en lo que ocurre a su alrededor.

Están también los "cacos" que hacen su día robando en el tren... y están también aquellos que, como yo, al reconocerlos, gritamos, "¡Cuidado con los chorros! ¡Cuiden sus pertenencias!", actuando ¿valientemente? y apuntando a asustarlos, lo cual muchas veces conseguimos, haciendo que se bajen en la siguiente estación con las manos vacías. Lástima por los que suben en el próximo tren... quizás no corran la misma suerte.

Están también estos dos tipos, jóvenes, del grupo de Teatro Ambulante Itinerante, quienes caminan por los diferentes vagones, haciendo bromas y pidiéndole a la gente que participe de su "show", esperando poder arrancarle una sonrisa a las grandes cantidades de personas que viajamos todos los días, algunos estresados y preocupados en demasía. Siempre me mato de la risa con ellos, aunque ya he escuchado sus mismas bromas infinidad de veces, porque sé que están ahí para divertirnos un rato, son graciosos y me hacen mucho bien!

Y también está este hombre viejito. Muchos pueden llegar a considerarlo un hombre de la calle, por su aspecto desgarbado y mal aliñeado, y quizás lo sea... eso no lo sé. Todo lo que sé de él es que es un poeta, un escritor, y que camina por lo diferentes vagones, moviéndose lentamente por entre las personas que van y vienen del trabajo, ofreciendo a aquellos lo suficientemente educados para tomarlos, unos panfletos con sus escritos. Y aquellos que, como yo, hemos tenido la decencia de aceptarlos, hemos descubierto con asombro los hermosos poemas que ha escrito este buen señor. Ya he comprado todas sus producciones, y como tantos otros, espero verlo en el subte cuando viajo, deseando que aparezca con algo nuevo para vender.

En cierta forma, siento pena por él, un hombre tan mayor debiendo vivir de esta manera, cuando ha escrito varias obras teatrales que fueron famosas en su época de juventud. Y también estoy orgullosa de él, ya que es lo suficientemente fuerte para salir a vender lo que ha escrito, con su cabeza tan alta como su edad le permite, en lugar de estar mendigando por las calles o quedándose en su casa (¿tiene hogar este hombre?), viendo como su vida se le va de entre las manos.

A thought/ Una cita...

"I believe that my life's going to see the love I give returned to me". JOHN MAYER

Isn't it a great way to look at life?

"Creo en que mi vida me devolverá el amor que siempre doy". John Mayer.

No es una magnífica forma de encarar la vida?

I can't understand/ No puedo entender...

I can't understand this aching ... in my heart, for you, for what was, for what could have been, for what is not today...
How to explain what I am feeling today?
It is not the first time that you have disappeared from my life and then turned up again... and I have always been waiting for you, with an aching heart at times, others with a broad smile, knowing that you needed your space and would be back. But it IS the first time that we are not on very good speaking terms, when our communications are lacking emotions and feelings altogether.
So now I am wondering: when did it happen? When did we stop talking to each other? When did it happen that we started ignoring each other and just communicating in a very businesslike way? Why did it happen? What led us to this awkward and cold relationship?... if we were so close, we loved each other so, were there for one another... has any of us changed? People do not change, or do they?
Or could it be that your heart now has an owner other than me, that you have no room for me in your life any longer? If only you would speak clearly and say what is going on...
I have no idea how to reach out to you, and don't know if I should either... if you will ever need me or love me as you used to... I know I do.

No puedo entender esta pena... en el alma, por vos, por lo que fue, por lo que pudo haber sido, por lo que no es hoy...
Cómo explicar lo que siento hoy? No es la primera vez que has desaparecido de mi vida y después volviste... Y yo siempre te he estado esperando, con un corazón dolido a veces, otras con una gran sonrisa, sabiendo que necesitabas tu espacio y que volverías. Pero ES la primera vez que no estamos en buenos términos, en que nuestras comunicaciones están totalmente faltas de emociones y sentimientos.
Por eso ahora me pregunto: cuándo ocurrió? Cuándo fue que dejamos de hablarnos? Cuándo empezamos a ignorarnos y a comunicarnos sólo en forma distante? Por qué ocurrió? Qué nos llevó a esta realación tan bizarra, distante y fría? ... si éramos tan cercanos, nos amábamos tanto, estábamos siempre ahí el uno para el otro... ha cambiado alguno de nosostros? La gente no cambia... o sí?
O será que tu corazón ya ha encontrado quién lo cuide y lo ame que no sea yo, y por eso ya no tienes lugar en tu vida para mí? Si sólo hablaras clraramente y dijereas qué es lo que ocurre... No tengo idea cómo alcanzarte, ni tampoco sé si debiera... si alguna vez me becesitarás o amarás como solías hacerlo... yo sé qué sí te necesito y te amo.

Can you believe it?/ Pueden creerlo?

This was written to me by a very dear friend of mine, who lives in India:

"All I saw was this blinding display picture. The one with a lot of brightness, the face unclear, a warm radiant smile showing through. That picture is gone, but the smile remains, so does the warmth and the radiance.
The right amount of reassurance, meaningful advice, the silliest of silly jokes and just the right amount of cheeriness woven together to make for a fantastic acquaintance. She is one of those people who say it all with a few strong words, who stand out and stand tall among a mesh of other interactions, those who are capable of making a difference even in the shallow and unpredictable forum which is the virtual world. I will follow her suit and try saying it with a few words...
It has been nice knowing you.. She knows some of my greatest secrets, weaknesses...and knows how to keep them to herself. I wait patiently for that day when we can meet up and share a few laughs.JEAN, there are few people in this world who have got the right blend of sweetness of dark choc and freshness of mint choc...Baby rock on..."


We have never been able to meet personally yet, and in spite of his very young age, he is someone I know I can always count on, with whom I have shared long hours of online interaction... and even though we are not in touch on a daily basis, we have always respected each other's absences and silences, because that is what human relationships are all about: respect for the other person and his or her space, acceptance of what the other person is, at all times. And if we have been able to become so close, in spite of being so far apart, it is mainly because we have always respected and accepted each other. Because of this, my dearest Akhand, I am thankful to you and your sweet friendship. I wish everyone was as mature as you are (although you are still sooo young) and could understand others as well as learning to understand themselves... life would be so much easier and less painful too!


Esto que paso a escribir me lo mandó un amigo mío, de la India:

"Lo único que ví fue una fotografía que tenía mucho brillo, con una cara que estaba borrosa, y una sonrisa radiante y cálida que se veía a través de la foto. La fotografía ya no está, pero la sonrisa permanece, al igual que la calidez.
La cantidad justa de confianza, consejos con sentido, la más zonza de las bromas tontas y la cantidad exacta de alegría entretejidos para formar una relación. Ella es una de esas personas que lo dice todo con unas cuantas palabras de fuerza, que sobresale de entre la maraña de otras interacciones, esas que son capaces de marcar una diferencia aún en el foro impredecible y superficial del mundo virtual. Seguiré lo que hace ella y trataré de decirlo en pocas palabras...
Ha sido un placer conocerte... Ella conoce algunos de mis grandes secretos, mis debilidades... Y sabe cómo guardarlos en secreto... Espero pacientemente por ese día en que nos encontremos y compartamos algunas risas... JEAN, hay poca gente en este mundo que tengan la mezcla justa de la dulzura del chocolate y la frescura del chocolate con menta."

Nunca hemos podido conocernos personalmente aún, y a pesar de su tan corta edad, es alguien en el que siempre puedo confiar, con quien he compartido largas horas online... y aunque no estemos conectados diariamente, siempre hemos repetado las ausencias y silencios del otro, porque de eso se tratan las realciones humanas: respeto por la otra persona y su espacio, aceptación de lo que es la otra persona en todo momento. Y si hemos podido volvernos tan cercanos, a pesar de la gran distancia que nos separa, es principalmente porque nos hemos respetado y aceptado. Por esto, mi querido Akhand, te estoy agradecida y agradezco tu dulce amistad. Qué bueno que sería que todos fueran tan maduros como vos (aunque sos tan joven) y pudieran entender a los otros y aprender a entenderse a si mismos... la vida sería tanto más fácil y menos complicada, y menos dolorosa también!

Hockey!!!! Una pasión/ A passion

Hockey... el deporte que, como tantos otros calculo, se hace con pasión. Una vez que lo conoces, lo amas o lo detestas. En mi caso, lo empecé a practicar a los 8 años y se transformó en mi pasión durante 19 años . Ya a los 27 creí que estaba muy grande para seguir jugando y que debía dejarle lugar a las nuevas generaciones que llegaban al club. Y por eso colgué el palo por lo que yo pensé sería para siempre.

Pero las vueltas de la vida quisieron que este año empezara nuevamente, que retomara esta pasión que durante tanto tiempo me había hecho extremadamente feliz. Así que a mis 44 años , empecé nuevamente a jugar los sábados... y no pasó mucho tiempo, antes que empezara a ir a entrenamiento dos veces por semana también. Nunca creí que pudiera hacerlo otra vez... después de tantos años sin hacer nada!

En esta foto están tan sólo algunas de las jugadoras que compartimos cada sábado por la tarde disfrutando a full. Y Riky, nuestro querido coach, mi amigo de la infancia, con el cual tanto nos divertimos los tres días semanales en que nos juntamos a ponernos en forma.

Gracias al hockey, este año pude sobrellevar días grises, momentos de tristeza y soledad, porque de eso se trata este deporte... de dejar todo lo que nos acongoja al entrar en la cancha y olvidarnos de la realidad que nos rodea por esos 70 minutos que dura cada uno de los dos partidos, dejando todo en cada partido, haciéndolo todo con PASIÓN!!!.

Ahora terminó el campeonato, pero nos seguimos juntando para entrenar, para vernos, reírnos y divertirnos unas cuantas horas a la semana.

Quiero que llegue marzo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Para volver a jugar todos los sábados!!!!
Lo que he explicado del hockey me describe a mí bastante bien: todo lo que hago en mi vida lo hago con pasión, dando el 100% de mí... en el amor, la familia, la amistad, el trabajo... y hay personas a las que parece costarles entenderlo, pero si lo hicieran, podrían vivir sus vidas más plenamente y con felicidad, dejando que la pasión los guíe por la vida!!

Field hockey, the sport which, as so many others I guess, is done with passion. Once you know the game, you either love it or hate it. In my case, I started practising it when I was 8 years old, and played for 19 years. Then, when I was 27, I thought I was too old to keep up with it and that I should leave room for the younger generations at the club. And so... I gave up the sport for what I thought would be forever.

But life wanted me to take it up again... and so at my 44 years of age, I started going to play matches on Saturday and soon enough started going to hockey practice twice a week as well!! And I never thought I would be able to cope with it, as it had been 17 years of doing nothing!!

In this photograph just a few of my teammates can be seen. And Riky, our dearest coach and my childhood friend, with whom we have so much fun those three times a week when we get together to have a good laugh and become fit.

Thanks to hockey, this year I was able to pull through blue days, moments of sadness and loneliness, because that is what this sport is about... of leaving everything that harms us when we step onto the field and forget about the reality around us during those 70 minutes that each match lasts, giving everything of us in every match, doing it with PASSION!!!!!

The championship is over now, but we keep on getting together to practise, laugh and have fun together for several hours every week.
I want March to be here soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To play matches for the championship every Saturday!!!!!

What I have said about hockey pretty much describes me: I do whatever I face in life with passion, giving 100% of me in everything... love, family, friendship, work... and some people seem to find it hard to understand, but if they did, they would live so much more happily, letting passion guide them through life!!!!!!

Sobran las palabras...

Sólo resta decir... que así solías estar...

A nice song/ Una linda canción

There might be those who might feel that this is just like any other romantic song... a lot of the same. But the lyrics in it are what I feel today... As it is in Spanish I include a translation of the song (Jeannie style... just the general meaning of it) ... because you couldn't understand my heart and what there was in it; because you didn't have the courage to see who I was. Because you cannot listen what is so near you but only the noise form the outside, and so I disappear even though I am by your side.
I am not going to say that I don't deserve this, because maybe I do, but as I don't want it, I say goodbye and leave; what a pity, I say goodbye and I leave. Because I know that there is something better, someone who will know how to give me love, of the type that sweetens salt and that makes the sun come out. I thought I would never leave your side, that we had the type of good love that lasts a lifetime, but today I understood that there isn't enough for both of us. I am not going to cry and say that I don't deserve this because maybe I do, but though it is a pity, I am leaving.


Puede haber quienes consideren que ésta es sólo otra canción romántica... una como tantas otras. Puede ser que así sea, pero hoy me siento identificada con la letra, así que la incluyo en mi blog porque me gusta a mí!


Julieta Venegas: "Me Voy"

Porque no supiste entender a mi corazón

lo que había en el,

porque no tuviste el valor

de ver quién soy.

Porque no escuchas

lo que está tan cerca de tí,

sólo el ruido de afuera y yo,

que estoy a un lado desaparezco para tí

No voy a llorar y decir,

que no merezco esto porque,

es probable que lo merezco

pero no lo quiero, por eso...

Me voy, qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí y me voy,

qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí.

Porque sé, que me espera algo mejor

alguien que sepa darme amor,

de ese que endulza la sal

y hace que, salga el sol.

Yo que pensé, nunca me iría de tí,

que es amor del bueno, de toda la vida

pero hoy entendí,

que no hay suficiente para los dos.

No voy a llorar y decir,

que no merezco esto porque,

es probable que lo merezco

pero no lo quiero, por eso...

Me voy, qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí y me voy,

qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí.

Me voy, qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí y me voy,

qué lástima pero adiós

me despido de tí y me voy.

Rain again...

Rain again... strange spring this one... and I am feeling blue again, hoping for this hurting time to be over. Thought you were the right one, that you had come into my life for a reason as well as a season of never ending love and happiness. But I guess I was wrong... hoping for news from you and always accepting the excuses of too much work, issues to resolve and a complicated life to deal with, and at all times feeling I was at fault for not being there for you... when you know so damn well that I have ALWAYS been by your side, if not in person, always waiting for you, ready to give you a helping hand.

My tough luck, to have come upon such a selfish creature, who only thinks in his own well-being, as to feel well with oneself one must be selfish you once said. I guess I should learn how to be selfish too, and give a damn about whatever is keeping you away... it is your life, and you can chose to live it as you wish... pity you still haven't learnt how to pick the right people around you... well, guess I haven't either... it is a never-ending life learning experience, one I still have so much to learn about... and learn, specially, not to trust anyone right away... as there is a lot of evil around, and I seem never to be able to get used to the thought that you are not what you said you were, what I saw you were... you might be someone different altogether... but I don't want to see you that way. I cannot stop seeing you as I always have, because, in spite of your silences and absences, your silly messages and unbelievable questionings, you are still that fine gentleman I met some time ago, who changed my life and made me smile...

Spring and a rainy day again... feeling blue with losing you... but, did I ever have you? Did you truly ever care for me? Was I ever anyone special for you... or just one of your so many friends? You said I had changed your world... you DID change mine, but I guess it was not the only world you have changed... What happened along the way?

Only you have the answer to those questions... in my heart and soul, I know that I was special, I cannot tell why I stopped being so...

I was sent this Annie Lennox song by a dearest friend when we were chatting online last Saturday... my dearest Brit!!! And the lyrics are just so beautiful... but I haven't been able to come upon the video to upload it... still, a beautiful song. Enjoy what the words say... and I am hoping to get over my hurting time for you, which is not the first one since I have met you, though I do hope it will be the last...

"The Hurting Time"

To everything there is a purpose ...

To every blade of grass

And every leaf on every tree

Every livin' thing will surely

Come to pass

And what will be will be ...

That's when the hurtin' time begins

And all the things you never said

Or didn't have the strength to say

And everything you ever did

That time won't ever wash away

Fears that you've been livin' with

Come runnin' down your face

Runnin' down your face

When the hurtin' time begins ...

So tell me what the day brings

Has it lost its thrill?

Are you still searching

Hoping for that space to fill ...

Everything you turn to

Is like a mirror on the shelf

And the only one you're blaming is yourself

A million little deaths you've died

The times that you've been crucified

The more you've loved and lost and tried

And still could not be satisfied

When will you be satisfied?

When will you be satisfied?

Not till the hurtin' time begins

De qué sirve? / What is the use of it?

Ayer, una persona muy, muy cercana a mí me escribía lo que aquí paso a incluir:

"La verdad sos una mujer que admiro, que se te ve siempre erguida frente a la vida y nunca se rinde; y a pesar de todo lo bueno y lo malo, sos siempre el sostén del otro y espero poder a lo largo de la vida llegar a ser como vos, y tener las mismas ganas de vivir, adelante Leona!!!!!"

Qué lo parió, no? Qué hace una cuando te dicen algo así? Es decir, no me considero ejemplo de nadie... y mucho menos que pueda o deba influir sobre alguien de tal manera que quiera ser como yo!!!???!! Porque el que siempre me levante y le ponga el pecho a la vida y lo que me toque en suerte, nada tiene que ver con una elección, sino con un deber... porque mucha gente depende de mí, siendo las más importantes mis hijas.
De qué sirve, me pregunto a veces, dar esa impresión de fortaleza, cuando duele tanto cada día sentirme sola o no tenerte? Es positivo dar la impresión de tanta fortaleza cuando padezco y sufro como cualquier otra persona? A veces creo que es un buen escudo contra los que se acercan para aprovecharse... y otras tantas termina ahuyentando a los que me ven demasiado segura de mí misma, tan responsable y autosuficiente...
Así que... realmente vale la pena?

Yesterday, someone who is very, very close, wrote the following to me:

"You are a woman I truly admire, who can always be seen standing straight when facing life and who never ever gives up; and in spite of all the good and the bad in your life, you are always there for the others, giving them support, and I hope to be like you along my life and to have the same will to live!! Keep going, Leona!!!!!" (the Leonas are the players of the national hockey team in my country)

WoW!!!! What does one do when told something like this? I mean, I do not consider myself as an example of anything to anyone... let alone to have such an influence over that person's life that she wants to be like me!!!???!!! Because if I always get up when I fall and take everything that life sends my way the best way possible, it has nothing to do with a choice; it is my duty... because too many people depend upon me, being my daughters the most important of all.
I sometimes wonder, what is the use of giving the impression of strength, when it hurts so much not having you and feeling lonely? Is it positive to give this impression when I suffer as any other person does? I sometimes believe that it is a great shield against those who might get near to take advantage... and so many others it works negatively towards pushing away those who see me so self-assured, so reponsible and self-sufficient...
And that is when I wonder... is it really worth it?

In spite of.../ A pesar de...

A pesar de ser decepcionada, sigo adelante.

A pesar de los palos en las ruedas, me levanto y continúo.

A pesar de... las mentiras, sigo creyendo.

... los silencios, te sigo escuchando.

... las distancias, te sigo amando.

... los malentendidos y desencuentros, te sigo esperando.

... los errores, sigo aprendiendo.

... el tiempo que pasa, sigo sintiéndome joven.

... las caídas, me levanto.

... los golpes y derrotas, no me rindo.

Porque la vida es, para mí, como un jardín de rosas... las espinas no pueden evitarse, pero qué lindo y reconfortante es que, a pesar de lo mucho o poco que podamos lastimarnos con ellas, podemos disfrutar del perfume de las flores!!!



In spite of deceit, I keep on.

In spite of how many times I might fall, I get up and continue.

In spite of ... the lies, I keep on believing.

... the silences, I can still hear you.

... the distances, I still love you.

... the misunderstandings, I am still waiting for you.

... the mistakes, I keep on learning.

... the time that goes by, I still feel young.

.... the defeats, I do not give up.

Because life is, for me, like a rose garden... the thorns cannot be avoided, but it is so nice and comforting that, in spite of how much or how little we might get hurt with them, we can enjoy the perfume of the flowers!

A thought/Una reflexión

"Keep going, even if everyone else expects you to give up".

"Sigue adelante, aunque todos esperen que te des por vencido".

Mother Theresa of Calcutta

My first pregnancy

Carrying on with what I was saying about becoming pregnant in my post of "A symptom my marriage...", the moment I learnt that I was expecting my first baby, I felt exhilarated. I was 35 years old, and had wanted to be a mother for so long already!

I was at home studying with some friends for a final exam we had at university. I had not been feeling too well for the past few weeks... so that one of them rushed to the drugstore at the corner of my house and bought one of those tests one can carry out at home to find out... I was a little reticent at first, saying I was just nervous because of all the exams we had to prepare. But after some talking and nagging, I was sent off to the bathroom and told what I was supposed to do. In the meantime, my three friends kept their ears on the bathroom door, hoping to hear me say something!
I walked out a few minutes later... and handed the strip over to the expert of the group... who saw the two lines clearly depicted on it!!!! We were all extremely happy so that we dropped our books and notes and went out to celebrate.

But all this happiness would not last too long... when my ex got back home from... who knows where from ... I told him I had a great piece of news for him. Before I could say anything he said... "You are pregnant. right? Who is the father?" Imagine my surprise when I heard those words, after all the different situations I had imagined of how I would break the news to him, how he would react, how happy we would both feel... and the asshole had chosen to be funny and make a joke about it!!!!!! As if it could be considered as a joke!
When I ran out of the livingroom where we were sitting, crying my eyes out, he said it had just been a joke, that he knew I was pregnant, had sensed it. And that he knew only too well that I was as faithful as could be, that he knew it was his baby... but whatever he said was never enough to take away the pain I felt at the moment nor to erase the scar his words had left.

Since that day, and throughout my pregnancy, although he pampered me quite some and was around the house a bit more, he never once came with me to the doctor when I had my check-ups. He didn't want to attend the famous course on how to accompany me through delivery...
We had our differences as regards what name we would give our firstborn... he never liked any of the names I chose, there was something bad with each one of them... so eventually we decided that if it was a girl he would choose the name and if it was a boy the choice would be mine.

And, in spite of not being with me at all the important moments of the pregnancy, he was there when our baby was born... a beautiful, redcheeked, blonde baby girl!!!!!

Y me contaron...

... en un mail que me mandó un amigo que trata de mantenerme actualizada sobre tooodo lo que sale publicado acerca de la educación de los hijos en estos tiempos violentos que corren, que es muy importante que aprendan a manejar las broncas, el enojo, la impotencia ante las injusticias.

El artículo era realmente interesante, y hablaba sobre cómo debemos sentarnos con ellos, hablarles y explicarles que cuentan con nosotros si necesitan compartir lo que les está pasando. Que debemos darles las herramientas necesarias para que "caminen", "corran" o hablen el enojo, en lugar de gritar, pegar o insultar.

Todo muy lindo hasta acá... en la teoría es magnífico pero en la práctica se complica. Ya que como adultos, quién de nosotros sabe realmente manejar el enojo??? Quién se sienta y lo habla con quién lo hizo enojar? Quién jamás grita, putea ni le dan ganas de llevarse al que lo hizo enojar y darle para que tenga, ya sea con gritos o a golpes? El que esté libre de pecado que tire la primera piedra!!!

La sociedad en la que vivimos, el ritmo enloquecedor en el que nos movemos diariamente, hacen que no podamos manejar TODAS nuestras emociones en forma adulta y adecuada a cada circunstancia. Por ejemplo, si viajás en el subte todos los días y estás cansada de ver cómo los "cacos" se hacen la América con un rato de trabajo metiendo mano donde no debieran, llega un momento en que, como la ley no hace nada... te les tirás encima y los empezás a insultar, aunque no te hayan estado robando a vos. Bueno, quizás no todos estén tan hartos de esto como yo... así que no lo harían aunque yo sí lo hice! Desubicación total la mía!!!!

Y en la vida diaria nos enfrentamos a miles de actitudes de otros que nos enojan, y las peores son las de aquellos que amamos y nos hieren... entonces, en mi caso, muchas veces elijo ignorar la ofensa, como si nunca hubiera ocurrido, aunque no estoy segura si eso es tan bueno tampoco.

Así que a manejar el enojo y la bronca y a sonreirle más a la vida!!!!!

And life goes on...

... as it has always done and will always do.

I have heard myself speaking these words out loud so many times, both for others as well as for myself, because life surely does goes on.

Even though I get hurt... life goes on.

In spite of ... the pain caused by the death of a family member or a very close friend,

... deceit and rejection,

... madness and insecurity of a dear one,

... not being loved in return,

... being accused unfairly,

... sadness which is so close to depression,

... lies and make-believe relationships...

LIFE GOES ON!

Because there are people in my life who:

• need me on a daily basis
• love me for what I am
• believe in my word and in me
• care dearly for me and what I stand for
• do not need to justify themselves for their mistakes
• do not ask for explanations if I am mistaken
• let me be, not telling me how to live my life
• are honest, trustworthy and crystal-clear... just as I am.

For all those whom I mean so much to and who mean as much to me... life goes on!!! And a beautiful life it is!!!!

Who should I believe?

Who should I believe... him or the people around me and what they say about him?

What should I believe... the words he spoke, or what I read somewhere about them talking and possible promises?

... what he has told me more than once, or what I read and her interpretations of a future together?

... what he said about hardly ever being online, or her words which say they meet online regularly?

... what my heart says or what my mind does not want to believe as true?

... my feelings or the facts around me?

... what he told me is true... or what I think I see around me?

Shit! Why... is loving and wanting to be happy so difficult?
... do her words hurt so much?
... does his being so cold make my heart ache?
... do I believe everything I read?
... can't he speak out clearly about what is really going on, instead of saying I am one of the few people who REALLY know almost everything about his life?
... can't I let go and allow both of us to be happy on our own separate paths? and should I do so?
... do I love him so much I only believe HIS words and no one else's?

As I once wrote to him last year when he was being influenced by what he heard and was being told... listen to what your heart has to say and don't believe everything you read and hear... I should do the same now!
But it is hard when he writes talking about these people who have talked about me... because he has believed them more than me... only listening to the version of those who naturally would like to have him for themselves, in a selfish and destructive manner...
so much to think about, and yet so many feelings that do not allow me to do so...

One of those days...

Today has been one of those days... the ones in which you know, the moment you wake up, that disaster might happen. Being such a sensitive person, I knew that the day would be developing in the most unfavourable way. And it did... so damn my f****** sense of "feeling" this type of things!

To begin with, the school bus was late to pick up Sol for school... well, the driver said they came by the house at 7.05 as they do every morning and nobody came out, which naturally is not so, as we were both sitting on the front lawn and looking at the new plants I had put in the previous weekend and listening to the early birds singing long before 7 am. So after some quarrelling and begging, the driver agreed to come and pick up my eldest daughter after he had finished his round, though he was not too happy about it.

Then, when I was doing the laundry, the washing machine went beserk... and then just stopped working! This meant calling the service guy, arranging for him to come ASAP... he cannot make it before the next 6 or 7 days... what does that mean?? He HAS to come sooner! So again, some more quarrelling and begging... and I was able to arrange for him to come on Monday, some time during the morning.

Next, when I was preparing the little one, Sophia, for school, she slipped in the bathtub that moment in which I just turned around to get the towels to take her out... it was just a fraction of a moment... and boom... terrible crashing of her little body against the bottom of the bathtub, which by now, naturally, had no more water in it! So off we ran to the hospital, to make sure she was ok... and she was, my sweet angel, a little bruised but not much more. I told her she would be staying at home with me in the afternoon but she started crying, saying she wanted to go to the club with her friends. As the doctor who saw her said she was ok, I let her go. We had lunch at a restaurant and then I took her to the kindergarten myself, which she loved, as she also goes by bus... so imagine, my mommie has brought me to school today!!!!

By the time all these little "problems" had been dealt with, it was way too late to go to school to work myself. So I phoned and took the afternoon off.

It was a beautiful sunny day today, so I decided to work on my laptop in the back garden, basking in the sun and getting on with the writing of my second novel... this one in English. Nothing could go wrong now... or could it? Well... it did. The person I keep closest to my heart, who is abroad at the moment, sent me an email and not a very pleasant one. The moment I saw the addressee, I was all smiles and happiness, but as soon as I opened it and started reading it, the smile on my face was smacked out with an awful blow. The words in themselves are not important right now... but the message is what counts. This person whom I love dearly just didn't know who I was, what I was worth... and that is what hurt the most... learning that whom I thought was my knight in shining armour had no idea whatsoever who I was!!! So... how could he not know that it wasn't ME deceiving him, but the ones going around with stories? I immediately answered his mail... and soon enough had an answer from him... and to be honest, though he said he didn't want to make an issue or a long story out of this, I didn't even take the time to answer again. What is the use of it if he has no idea who the people around him are? Why waste words which he will not understand, as blind as he is at the moment? I am only hoping that maybe one day, when we meet again in what... months, years?... we will be able to talk about this... and he will truly see who is trustworthy and reliable and who is not.

In the meantime... I will just have to wait. I know I did nothing wrong, except maybe falling in love with the wrong guy, someone who certainly does not deserve to have me in his life... or does he?

Only time will tell... but there was something valuable about all this... I have learnt to say what I need to say, so thank you my love... and THANK GOD THIS DAY IS OVER!!!!!!! (almost... hehehe)

TGIF!!!!

Thank God for Fridays... that day of the week we all look so much forward to. I am tired at this time of the year... guess we all are!

There is just so little more to go before school breaks up for the summer holidays... and still sooo much to be done in such a short time! My students have their final exams during the following two weeks, and they have started getting desperate about not having enough marks to pass... now they are all of a sudden in a hurry to prepare extra lessons, to show how very much interested they are in their lessons at school, what good students they are, how much they have improved, how much they deserve to be given the chance (still another one after all those given to them during the year!) of having an extra exercise or test... and this is also going on at home, as my eldest daughter also has her finals at school, which certainly means getting home and giving her a hand. So I am rushing at school with my students' queries, giving extra lessons to my private students who need to be prepared for their exams, and getting home and teaching Sol what she does not understand... and this is the time of the year when, in spite of the passion I feel for my profession, I wish I was not a teacher, that I could say I am ...

As human beings, we tend to take on too many projects or activities in life, some of them all going on at the same time. And meeting deadlines gets tough sometimes... so what is it with us that we keep on accepting more and more challenges and responsibilities on a daily basis? Is it a consequence of our trying to prove ourselves, is it that there is no possible way of NOT doing so...? Why live on the fast lane all the time, when we could be living much more happily if we took life one step at the time?

As regards me, I know that in spite of how much I tried to live on the slow lane, I have on my back too many responsibilities which I do not share with anyone (because my daughters' dad is absent from their lives, because I have no one to share them with, and also because it is what life has brought my way... so that they cannot be shared). Just wish I could learn to take it more easily... that I could put less passion into everything I do, because though it gives me immense pleasure doing it that way, so much giving also leaves one exhausted and drained...

Too much stress, so many things to do... but TGIF !!!!!!

Am I growing old...?

Am I growing old? This is a question that has been bugging me lately.
My face shows a few more wrinkles than last year... could it be that I am growing old? No, it´s because I smile so much and am so expressive in my talk.
My arms and hands seem to have more freckles on them... am I growing old? No, it´s because I am spending so much time outdoors, in the sun.
I seem to have some white hairs pushing among my naturally curly auburn hair, am I growing old? No, 44 years of age is high time to start getting a few white hairs, right?
I don´t seem to enjoy late nights as much as I used to. Am I growing old? No, I wake up too early in the mornings and work all day...
My eyesight is troubling me. I have never had to wear glasses... could I be growing old? No, I do too much reading and writing... that´s it.
I have always loved doing gardening and enjoying the beautiful Argentinean spring days outdoors. Last Saturday I worked for 6 hours in my back garden, and the following day I was aching all over... could I really be growing old? No, I just did a bit too much, and left nothing of the hardest work for the gardener to do...
And above all... I am NOT growing old, as growing old will be by your side...

Halloween!!!

Hoy es Halloween, noche de brujas. Mis hijas partieron temprano al colegio, entusiasmadas, con sus calabazas llenas de golosinas para compartir con sus amigos y amigas, Sol de su cuarto grado y Sophia de su salita de cuatro. Llevaban además unas largas pelucas negras para ponerse y sentirse más brujas aún.
Ya tienen listos sus disfraces, maquillaje y bolsas para cambiarse en cuanto lleguen del colegio esta tarde, para poder salir a hacer trick-or-treat por las casas de los vecinos. Están ilusionadas y felices por ser brujas por un día!!!
Yo soy TU bruja, y aunque hoy debería ser mi día, el nuestro si por lo menos recordaras quién soy y fui para tí, qué seríamos en el futuro... estaríamos festejando... pero no soy tu única bruja, tus palabras de hechicero encantan a las brujas del mundo, enamorándolas de tí...
Halloween! A ponerse la mejor careta y salir con mis hijas a tocarle el timbre a los vecinos, quienes encantados las llenan de golosinas, alegrándose al ver sus caritas sonrientes! Caminar mucho y ver el estado de éxtasis en que se encuentran hoy... y no puedo evitar que una sonrisa se dibuje en mi cara, a pesar del dolor de no tenerte... porque ellas, mis angelitos transformados en brujas por un día, están felices y sonrientes... y no puedo pedir más.

This is how I feel about you...

You are so many things to me

A priceless gift in you I see,

Where I'd be the earth in a fantasy

You'd be the sun, stars, and sea.

You'd be the very air I breathe

Anad autumn's many coloured leaves.

You'd be the grass in velvet green

At sunset, twilights coloured scheme.

You'd be the rain racing down,

The way that thunder does crashing sounds,

You'd be the moonlight hitting ground,

the shadows that dance forever around.

You'd be the first hint of spring

The melody when the angels sing

The brillance of a diamond ring

You'd be my every summer's fling.

You are the very world to me,

Every beautiful thing I see,

The very thoughts that make me smile

A reason for every step, in every mile.

You glitter like gold as bright as the sun

You are now, and every day, "The One!"

And you will always be!

About myself...

... I guess I should have started with this post, for those who know me too well to say whether I have described myself correctly; for those who do not know me that well to learn a bit more about me... and for those who do not know me to have a proper introduction. So I will try to do my best at introducing myself.

I am Jean Consoli, 44 years of age, divorced, two daughters, teacher of English at a bilingual school in the Belgrano neighbourhood. I play field hockey for the L.A.C. (Lomas Athletic Club). I gave it up after having practised it until I was 27, considering I was too old and that I should leave room for the younger girls at the club. But this year, after 17 years of NO exercise at all, I was called back to play in the first division... I have been able to find in the two days we have practice (3 hours each time) and in the two matches I play every Saturday afternoon, the ideal way of feeling young at heart, once again. It is the ideal therapy for me.

I love my daughters dearly as well as the work I do. More than once I have wished I could work just for the pleasure of it and not because I need the money... many of you might be already thinking: how utopic! well, that's me! I still believe in people and their good nature, I hate lies and am very straightforward and trustworthy. I am a fool when I fall in love... I am certainly a fool in love today, since I met my knight in shining armour last year, around the end of January... and still waiting for him so that we can grow old together. Thus, this shows how idealistic I am, as he is so far away, and I have clung to his every word and promise of the best second half of our lives together. When in love, I am afraid of speaking my mind (which is actually my heart) at all times, due to the guilt and fear that this creates in me; what if I said something that would hurt the man I love? What if he disliked what I said and dumped me? So... I just wait and wait... I am terribly insecure though I might give the impression to others of being selfsufficient and in control. I am so transparent that anyone can tell by just looking into my eyes, listening to my voice or reading what I have written what my mood is like at the moment.

I started writing when I was very young. I have always been creative and have had no problems putting on black and white what I feel (certainly find it MUCH easier than speaking it out!). A terrible flood destroyed all my early work, not that it was that great, but it was mine, and I felt proud of it. And last year I decided to start writing again. In this way, I wrote a novel for my knight, as a gift, and this year I started my second one. You will be able to see me on the train or bus with my notebook in hand, writing anything that comes to mind... usually having the words flowing from me, and never correcting them. I truly believe that what comes out first is what must remain. As I have no intention of publishing anything of what I have written and plan to keep on writing, I will not have to see my work being edited by strangers who have no idea what I meant or why I wrote what I wrote.

I love baking, cooking, doing gardening, reading, going out for walks along the beach, lying on the lawn on summer nights and looking at the immensity of the starlit sky... writing, making friends, travelling, listening to music, entertaining friends at home, shopping for books and music (I can spend hours at a bookstore!!). It makes me feel great to help others, and teaching is my passion... and I wish one day I will be able to have all the time I need to be with myself and write, write and write, which gives me immense pleasure.

I guess that is about enough for now. For those who know me well, you are welcome to add anything I might have left out. And thank you for dropping by my blog! I feel like a mum who has just had her first baby... hehehe