jueves, 29 de noviembre de 2007

El gran paso/The big decision



La vida está llena de estos grandes pasos. No es sólo uno el que debemos tomar a lo largo de nuestra existencia. Cuando decidí mudarme a vivir sola, lejos de mi casa materna y de mi familia a los 22 años, todos me decían que estaba dando un gran paso en mi vida. Decidir qué quería ser en y hacer de mi vida, a qué profesión dedicarme; nuevamente otro gran paso. El gran paso de decidir casarme y formar mi familia, y la llegada de Sol y convertirme en madre por primera vez.
Comprar mi primer departamento y decidir dónde; luego la casa en la costa y nuevamente tomar la decisión de cuál sería el mejor lugar. Otro gran paso, entre los tantos que ya venía dando... y los que vendrían, y siguen viniendo!!
Y cuando falleció mi mamá vino el que pensé sería el último con tanta importancia: dar el paso de separarme, porque así no iba más. Mas en el intento por salvar lo insalvable, por Sol, quedé embarazada de Sofía. Y nuevamente otro gran paso: el de decidir seguir adelante sola a pesar de una separación anunciada.
La vida me pone a prueba continuamente, tomando decisiones que no quiero tomar, diciéndome, bah, en realidad gritándome en la cara que decida y tome el siguiente paso. En muchos de los pasos que tomé me equivoqué, imposible no admitirlo, pero con cada uno de esos pasos fui siendo la Jeannie que soy hoy, con mis defectos y virtudes.
Y cada día sigo teniendo que decidir y dar otro paso: al elegir el presente de mis hijas y pensar en cómo influirá sobre su futuro; al elegir mis amistades, en quién confiar y en quién no. Y aunque muchas veces me duela, voy dejando en el camino gente a la que quiero mucho.
Y ahora, ¿es necesario decidir si dar este gran paso y decirte adiós para siempre? Cómo me encantaría que me dijeras que no, que estás ahí y seguirás estando, que no te marchas y que no debo despedirme de tí para siempre...

Life is full of these big decisions. It is not just ONE big decision in life but so many of them at different times. When I decided to move and live alone, away from my family and home when I was 22 years old, everyone told me this was a big decision I was making, an important step I was taking into my future. To decide what I wanted to be and become in life, what profession to pursue; once again, another big decision. The big decision of deciding to marry and have my own family, and Sol´s birth and becoming a mother for the first time.
Buying my first apartment and deciding where; then the house on the beach and once again deciding which would be the best location to do so. Another big step, among so many I had already given... and among those to come, and which are still coming my way!!
And when my mom died, came what I believed would be the last decision of such importance: giving the step towards separation and divorce, as we could not keep on this way. But we tried it once again, making the effort of loving each other again for Sol, as she deserved to have her parents with her. And when doing so, I became pregnant of Sophia, my sweet angel. And once again a very important decision: To carry on with my life and my kids on my own.
Life is testing me every day, making me make decisions I don´t want to make, telling me, bah, it´s more like shouting at me in the face to decide and give the next step. In many of the steps I have taken, I have made mistakes, impossible not to admit it; but with every one of those decisions I have made, I have turned into the Jeannie I am today, with all my flaws and virtues.
And I have to keep on making decisions and taking steps forward: when chosing my daughters´ present and thinking how it might influence their future; when chosing my friends, learning who to trust in and who not to trust. And although many times it might hurt, there are people who are left along the way, people whom I loved dearly.
And now, is it necessary to decide if I should make this big decision and say goodbye to you forever? I would love to hear you saying that I mustn´t, that you are there for me and will always be, that you are not leaving and that I mustn´t say goodbye...

8 comentarios:

Nina dijo...

Jeani, hoy justo hoy leo este mail, pero creo que es verdad la via nos pone a prueba todo el tiempo, y siempre esta la desicion de dar o no el gran paso, que quisas nos lleve a la felicidad o no, pero creo que hoy leyendo este mail, me lleve a tomar my gran y definitiva decision y podre dar el paso tan esperado?

Cupcake dijo...

Jeannie,
I can see that you are also an emotional and expressive person. Thank you for letting us see a little bit of your heart and share a little bit of your burden.

I know for me when I have been in the midst of hard things, whether it is sickness, family problems, depression, anxiety, or the crap I have gotten myself into, I have found it worthwhile to continue. When I am in the midst of it I have learned a lot about how to cry out and sometimes yell at Jesus.

I don't know what you turn to while you make big decisions but I must say it is worth moving forward. No matter what we feel about where we are in life, the journey is always worth it. I am personally learning how to embrace the journey and worry less about the destination.

From the stranger in Pullman, WA
Jenni

Jeannie dijo...

Hola Ani!!! Mil gracias por siempre pasar a leer lo que escribo... espero que todas las grandes decisiones que tomes en tu vida, ya que no será sólo una, sean siempre desde el corazón... te quiero muuuucho!!!

Jeannie dijo...

Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much for your comment!!! I know what you mean about being in the midst of hard times and shouting out and the wrong ones...
When I have to make big decisions, I usually turn to myself, I look into my heart and listen to what it has to say. This does not mean I always take the right step... but it is walys worth it!
I hope to see you around more often!
have a great beginning of the week!

Dks dijo...

Hi Dear Jeannie!
The funny thing about big decisions is that at the time it can seem like your whole world is about to fall apart and crumble from beneath you, but then once the decision has been made it is the beginning of a new road, a new start, which is so exciting and brings such happiness into a life that maybe before could have felt a bit lost.
In my experience the saddest time was actually dwelling on whether or not I should make the decision, (and what decision to make) but once it was done the happiest times began almost immediately!
We are the masters of our own destiny and only our decisions and actions can change our lives!
Muchos Besos my dear friend! Love you lots!! :)

Jeannie dijo...

Dearest Donnie! Your words are always so wise!!! And I am happy to have you in my life! As you said, "We are the masters of our own destiny and only our decisions and actions can change our lives!"
But... that is what scares me the most: decision-making!!! hehe
Love you lots too!! :)

Anónimo dijo...

Qué bueno que es leerte y ver que tienes tantos sentimientos nobles!!! Te deseo siempre la toma de decisiones correctas... y ojalá que esa persona tan especial a la que le has hablado en esta entrada, se dé cuenta de quién eres y te diga que no debes decirle adiós.

Jeannie dijo...

Muchas gracias, NN... yo también espero lo mismo!!! =)