lunes, 29 de octubre de 2007

A symptom my marriage was not so good...

It was the year 1995. At the moment my husband and I were apparently doing ok. Until one day in March I got back home from work and told him I was going back to university. The look on his face was one I would remember for a long time, as well as the words he managed to utter..."But why? What is the need of it?" Very calmly I explained to him that just as I was happy with him, there was something missing in my life. We had already been together for 6 years and still no plans for having our children (well... HE still hadn't made up his mind, though I had been ready for so long already! Being the second of five in my family, I was looking forward to having a big family myself as well... but Mr. Lazybones still had to think about what would be best). He could not understand what could be missing: I had travelled to Europe, the States, had a great job, had him to look after my finaces, had built a house on the beach in Patagonia, had our own house in Villa Gesell as well as in Belgrano... so WHAT COULD POSSIBLY be missing in my life?

As whenever we talked about the issues of having a baby he would get very nervous, I said I was not sure what was missing, and used the excuse of the new law in education to start a new career... and he bought it!!
So in April 1995 I started a new life... worked all day like hell, went to university 4 evenings a week and got home after midnight... and in spite of how hard it seemed at first, it helped me to discover I was stil so capable of achieving so much in life. I had reached a stop in my life with him... but could not see a way out. I was an excellent student, participated actively in every lesson and made the best 3 friends I have ever had, who are still my best friends today. But he was not happy, and so he decided he had to travel.
And so my husband travelled to Brazil, supposedly for just a couple weeks, but then decided to stay for a couple months. The reasons he gave? That he needed to think what he wanted, what his aims in life were...

And when he came back, the time he had taken off was not enough, as he then said he needed some more time to decide how to go on from there. And who felt all the blame fall down heavily on her shoulders? Who had felt she had caused such pain in the man she loved? Who felt she had been selfish all along, not thinking in what he needed? Yes... ME!!!!
And as I have always had so much dificulty dealing with guilt, the months that followed were awful, not knowing how to ask him for forgiveness (for what???? If I had done nothing wrong?)

And we were separated for several months... as he needed to think, while I cried all day long, wondering where I had gone wrong, feeling guiltier and guiltier by the day!
And when we got back together one of he things he was able to say (as he hardly spoke about what went on inside his head) was that I had replaced him by my career... Imagine my surprise! As if a person could ever be replaced by anything material!!
And soon... oh surprise... I got pregnant with my first daughter!!!! I was thrilled... though I secretely knew that it was part of his plan for me to drop my studies, which of course I DID NOT!!!!!
Once again, material for a further post!!!!

5 comentarios:

laura dijo...

épocas difíciles, yo también estoy separada hace 7 años, estuve casada 15 y mis chicos tenían 13 el mayor, 12, 8 y 6. Bravísimo.
Ya pasó.
(qué típico eso de preguntarnos "en qué fallamos" ¿no?

Jeannie dijo...
Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.
Jeannie dijo...

Laura... tiempos muy difíciles indeed!!! Yo hace 5 años que estoy separada, y pasó cuando mi hija mayor tenía 4 años y yo tenía un embarazo de 2 meses!!!
Ya lo escribiré en uno de mis posts.
Y sí... tan típico de nosotras preguntarnos en qué fallamos!!! O sea, en qué habrán fallado nuestros padres para que nos cuestionemos esto???

dave_cybercoolie dijo...

I love the innocence and purity of your feelings that flows in the form of words ever so smooth... i was jumping blogs and orkut, typically like how a monkey does - without aim - but i had a small aim - to read.. and i stopped jumping when i reached your blog - it was - no it is gripping and intriguing and shows your genuiness as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a miracle!... keep writing, Applause for you....

Jeannie dijo...

Thank you sooo much for this comment! In spite of my 44 years of age, I AM pure and innocent at heart, and when I love I do so with passion. And through writing I have been able to bring out many of my feelings and emotions out, as at times they become a very high burden to bear.
Thank you for all your words of encouragement!!!!
I am glad you came upon my blog... and hope that you will keep on reading and commenting me! =)