Cuestiones de peso/ Weighty matters

Cuando el cardiólogo ayer por la tarde me hizo sentir como una desastre total por la etapa de mi vida por la que estoy transitando (edad sumado a lo que él dijo debería ser ya la premenopausia), lo que más me molestó, y debo admitirlo, no fue tanto el tema de la edad, porque a pesar de mis 45, no me siento vieja!

Trabajo todo el día, si tengo que ver a alguien en la semana y acostarme al alba no me molesta, duermo poco y hago mucho, estoy atrás de mis hijas y su colegio, las cosas de la casa, practico hockey... en fin, los años no me pesan ni ahí!

Pero lo que sí me pesa, definitivamente y mucho, es el tema del sobrepeso. Que me haya dicho que debía bajar de peso... es verdad, no soy esquelética!!! pero no soy obesa tampoco. Obesa fui hasta mis veintitantos... y el tema de la comida y de la imagen corporal fueron siempre un tema groso y pesado para mí.

Desde que tengo uso de razón, recuerdo mi problema con la comida. Cuando era chica, era un escape de cosas que sucedían a mi alrededor, como la muerte de mi padre cuando yo tenía tan sólo 9 años, mi inseguridad, mi miedo a sobresalir del resto aunque era muy buena en casi todo lo que hacía: estudios, hockey, atletismo, coros varios... pero no me gustaba que me notaran.

Ya en la adolescencia, el sobrepeso fue grande... pero como era ágil, estaba todo el día de un lado para el otro, practicaba deportes, etc, no le daba bola.

Hacía cuanta dieta nueva aparecía en el mercado, no porque estuviera convencida de hacerla, sino porque mis amigos y familia me insistían en que debía seguirla. Y todo iba bárbaro, bajaba de peso enseguida, y en cuanto me decían que estaba más flaca... a la mierda con la dieta!

Sólo logré adelgazar mucho cuando me mudé a vivir sola a los 22 años... pero volví a subir en varias ocasiones estando casada, cuando estaba mal, aunque nunca tanto como cuando era adolescente.

Y desde mis 40 años, desde que quedé embarazada de Sofi, mi cuerpo y mi relación con la comida cambiaron.

Vengo de una familia en que las reuniones son para comer, en que uno se sienta a la mesa para compartir cada comida y en que uno no se levantaba de la mesa hasta no haber terminado lo que había en su plato. Cuando estaba depre comía, de buen ánimo comía, sola, acompañada... comía. La imagen corporal que siempre he tenido de mí misma ha sido de una obesa, así que hasta en las épocas en que estuve por lo menos 7 kilos por debajo de un peso saludable para mi contextura física (que casualmente no es petite!), aún en esos momento la imagen de mi cuerpo que me devolvía el espejo era la de una persona gorda.

Desde que quedé embarazada de Sofi, pude cambiar esa imagen, creo verme como lo que realmente soy, y sé que no soy delgada, pero tampoco soy gorda. Logré cambiar también mi relación con la comida... ya no como porque es el horario de comer; sólo como cuando siento hambre, lo que desgraciadamente me ha llevado a veces a estar mucho tiempo sin probar bocado, porque no sentía hambre. Y aunque sé que no es un hábito saludable, me siento mucho mejor así.

Y de pronto cae el Dr. Lombardi a decirme que estoy gorda???? Me mató... créanme cuando les digo que me tiró todo a la mierda... pero como no me queda otra, desde el lunes, chau pebete de jamón y queso en el colegio al mediodía, hola ensaladita o yoghur con cereales; chau galletitas dulces con el mate, hola barra de cereal... chau a comer sólo si tengo hambre, hola a las cuatro comidas (mínimo!).

Es así... siempre dicen que los años no vienen solos, y los míos vinieron con esto.

When the cardiologist made me feel as an awful mess because of the period in life I am going through (age added to already supposedly having to be premenopausic), I must admit that what bothered me the most was not so much the age issue, because in spite of my 45 years of age, I do not feel old!

I work all day, if I have to meet someone during the week and go to bed extra late I do not mind, I sleep little and do a lot, I am behind and on top of my daughters and their school stuff, the house chores, I practise hockey... all in all, age is no problem there at all!

But what does bother me, and a lot, is the weight issue. Having the doctor tell me that I had to lose weight... it's true, I am not skinny!!! But I am not obese either. I was so until my early twenties... and this thing about food and my body image have always been a very dense issue for me.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a problem with food. When I was small, it was a way of getting away from what bothered me or harmed me of what was going on around, as when my dad died when I was only 9 years old; my insecurity and lack of self-esteem, my fear of being noticed among others when I was so good at so many things: studies, hockey, athletics, singing in several choirs... but I didn't like being noticed.

When I was an adolescent, the overweight I had was considerable... but as I was very agile, was on the move all day long, practised sports, etc, I never paid much attention to it.

I carried out every new diet to lose weight that appeared on the market, not because I had the conviction of losing weight, but because my friends and family told me I should. And everything went beautifully, I shed a lot of weight, and as soon as I was told that I was looking so much better, that I was looking thinner... to hell with the diet!

I only managed to lose a lot of weight when I moved out of my mom's house at the age of 22... but gained some on several occasions when I was married, when I was not well, though never as much as when I was an adolescent.

And since I turned 40, since I became pregnant of Sophie, my body and my relationship with food have changed.

I belong to a family which has always got together to eat, we were taught that when it was meal time, we should sit at the table and share that moment with the family, we did not leave the table until we had finished what was on our plates. When I was feeling down, I ate; when I was happy, I ate; alone, with others... I ate. The body image that I have always had of myself is of an obese person, so that even during those times when I was at least 7 kilos down well beyond what would be a healthy weight for me (and I am not what you would call petite!), still then I would look into the mirror and see a fat person looking back at me.

Since I became pregnant of Sophie, I could change this image I had of myself, I believe I see myself as I really am, and I know that I am not thin, but neither am I fat. I have been able to change my relationship with food... I do not eat because it's time to eat; I only eat when I feel hungry, something which has unfortunately taken me to spending long periods of time without eating because I was not hungry. And even though I know it is not a healthy habit, I feel better this way.

And suddenly Dr. Lombardi walks into my life... or better said, I walked into his office, and he says I am fat???? That killed me... believe me when I say that he has really made me feel awful... but, as there is no other way out, since this coming Monday, goodbye ham and cheese sandwich every midday when I got to the afternoon school, hello salad or yoghurt with cereals; goodbye biscuits and cookies when I am having my "mates", hello cereal bar... goodbye to eating only when I am hungry, hello to at least 4 meals a day.

That is the way it goes... they always say that age does not turn up on its own, and in my case, this is what it has brought into my life.