Halloween!!!

Hoy es Halloween, noche de brujas. Mis hijas partieron temprano al colegio, entusiasmadas, con sus calabazas llenas de golosinas para compartir con sus amigos y amigas, Sol de su cuarto grado y Sophia de su salita de cuatro. Llevaban además unas largas pelucas negras para ponerse y sentirse más brujas aún.
Ya tienen listos sus disfraces, maquillaje y bolsas para cambiarse en cuanto lleguen del colegio esta tarde, para poder salir a hacer trick-or-treat por las casas de los vecinos. Están ilusionadas y felices por ser brujas por un día!!!
Yo soy TU bruja, y aunque hoy debería ser mi día, el nuestro si por lo menos recordaras quién soy y fui para tí, qué seríamos en el futuro... estaríamos festejando... pero no soy tu única bruja, tus palabras de hechicero encantan a las brujas del mundo, enamorándolas de tí...
Halloween! A ponerse la mejor careta y salir con mis hijas a tocarle el timbre a los vecinos, quienes encantados las llenan de golosinas, alegrándose al ver sus caritas sonrientes! Caminar mucho y ver el estado de éxtasis en que se encuentran hoy... y no puedo evitar que una sonrisa se dibuje en mi cara, a pesar del dolor de no tenerte... porque ellas, mis angelitos transformados en brujas por un día, están felices y sonrientes... y no puedo pedir más.

This is how I feel about you...

You are so many things to me

A priceless gift in you I see,

Where I'd be the earth in a fantasy

You'd be the sun, stars, and sea.

You'd be the very air I breathe

Anad autumn's many coloured leaves.

You'd be the grass in velvet green

At sunset, twilights coloured scheme.

You'd be the rain racing down,

The way that thunder does crashing sounds,

You'd be the moonlight hitting ground,

the shadows that dance forever around.

You'd be the first hint of spring

The melody when the angels sing

The brillance of a diamond ring

You'd be my every summer's fling.

You are the very world to me,

Every beautiful thing I see,

The very thoughts that make me smile

A reason for every step, in every mile.

You glitter like gold as bright as the sun

You are now, and every day, "The One!"

And you will always be!

About myself...

... I guess I should have started with this post, for those who know me too well to say whether I have described myself correctly; for those who do not know me that well to learn a bit more about me... and for those who do not know me to have a proper introduction. So I will try to do my best at introducing myself.

I am Jean Consoli, 44 years of age, divorced, two daughters, teacher of English at a bilingual school in the Belgrano neighbourhood. I play field hockey for the L.A.C. (Lomas Athletic Club). I gave it up after having practised it until I was 27, considering I was too old and that I should leave room for the younger girls at the club. But this year, after 17 years of NO exercise at all, I was called back to play in the first division... I have been able to find in the two days we have practice (3 hours each time) and in the two matches I play every Saturday afternoon, the ideal way of feeling young at heart, once again. It is the ideal therapy for me.

I love my daughters dearly as well as the work I do. More than once I have wished I could work just for the pleasure of it and not because I need the money... many of you might be already thinking: how utopic! well, that's me! I still believe in people and their good nature, I hate lies and am very straightforward and trustworthy. I am a fool when I fall in love... I am certainly a fool in love today, since I met my knight in shining armour last year, around the end of January... and still waiting for him so that we can grow old together. Thus, this shows how idealistic I am, as he is so far away, and I have clung to his every word and promise of the best second half of our lives together. When in love, I am afraid of speaking my mind (which is actually my heart) at all times, due to the guilt and fear that this creates in me; what if I said something that would hurt the man I love? What if he disliked what I said and dumped me? So... I just wait and wait... I am terribly insecure though I might give the impression to others of being selfsufficient and in control. I am so transparent that anyone can tell by just looking into my eyes, listening to my voice or reading what I have written what my mood is like at the moment.

I started writing when I was very young. I have always been creative and have had no problems putting on black and white what I feel (certainly find it MUCH easier than speaking it out!). A terrible flood destroyed all my early work, not that it was that great, but it was mine, and I felt proud of it. And last year I decided to start writing again. In this way, I wrote a novel for my knight, as a gift, and this year I started my second one. You will be able to see me on the train or bus with my notebook in hand, writing anything that comes to mind... usually having the words flowing from me, and never correcting them. I truly believe that what comes out first is what must remain. As I have no intention of publishing anything of what I have written and plan to keep on writing, I will not have to see my work being edited by strangers who have no idea what I meant or why I wrote what I wrote.

I love baking, cooking, doing gardening, reading, going out for walks along the beach, lying on the lawn on summer nights and looking at the immensity of the starlit sky... writing, making friends, travelling, listening to music, entertaining friends at home, shopping for books and music (I can spend hours at a bookstore!!). It makes me feel great to help others, and teaching is my passion... and I wish one day I will be able to have all the time I need to be with myself and write, write and write, which gives me immense pleasure.

I guess that is about enough for now. For those who know me well, you are welcome to add anything I might have left out. And thank you for dropping by my blog! I feel like a mum who has just had her first baby... hehehe

Por qué será...

... que perteneciendo el hombre y la mujer al mismo género, el de seres humanos, somos TAN distintos? Ya sé que algunos dirán... es más que lógico! las diferencias saltan a la vista! Pues sí, las diferencias físicas son algo que no pueden esconderse, aunque en algunos puedan ser confundidas. Pero mi custionamiento va un poco más allá.
Hace mucho tiempo atrás, en la facultad, este tema surgió en una clase de Teología, no porque el profesor así lo quisiera, sino porque sus veintitantas alumnas mujeres lo sacaron a relucir. Recuerdo que alguien en la clase le dijo "las diferencias entre el sexo masculino y femenino en los animales no es tan marcado como en las personas". "Pues la respuesta es más que lógica, hija! Ellos son seres inferiores!" "Pero ambos se comportan tan parecido... se ayudan en la crianza de los hijos, son organizados..." "mejor déjalo ahí... no aclares que oscurece!!! Nosotros somos racionales, y eso nos diferencia de ellos... y ustedes como féminas son las encragadas de ser menos racionales que nosotros los hombres. Fin de la discusión". Y la verdad que era un placer entrar en estos debates con el profesor Fontes... un ser tan cerrado en sí mismo que sólo mi grupo de amigas de estudios podíamos sacarlo de una manera en que antes nadie había logrado.
Ahora retomando el hilo de lo que comencé a decir al principio, Cómo puede ser que el hombre tenga esa capacidad de compartimentalizar? (ni sé si dicho término existe o no, pero me parece que sirve para el propósito) De dejar de lado sus sentimientos y emociones y dedicarse tan sólo a una cosa o "issue"por vez? Racionalizan todo al extremo, para no mostrar sus emociones, pues hay muchos hombres que siendo emocionales, se van al otro extremo y por supuesto, en el intento, se van de rosca! Se vuelven extremadamente racionales. Se abocan de lleno a su trabajo, a veces dejando pasar LA oportunidad de ser felices, dejando escapar entre sus dedos a esa mujer que los contendría, amaría, les daría su espacio, "porque tengo miedo de enamorarme, tengo que solucionar otros problemas en mi vida primero..." Tendremos nosotras las mujeres la culpa de que ellos sean así? Por permitirles que nos dejen esperando, por darles el tiempo (ese tiempo que suele ser taaaan eterno para nosotras pero que para ellos nunca es suficiente), por criarlos así cuando somos sus madres?
Nosostras ponemos todo el corazón en lo que hacemos... y hacemos tantas cosas al mismo tiempo! Y sin embargo, aunque trabajemos fuera de casa, seguimos con nuestra labor dentro de la casa, con los hijos, las taresas domésticas, las compras, las colas en el Pago Fácil para pagar las cuentas... y estamos listas para salir corriendo ante el primer llamado de ÉL! No podemos separar lo racional de lo emocional... y damos todo de nosotras siempre. Y a pesar del cansancio, siempre estamos en pie y al rescate de quien lo necesite.
Será por nuestra condición de madres? Porque sabemos y sentimos lo que es gestar a nuestros hijos? Ésta es una duda que siempre he tenido, y que sé que no es moco de pavo.
Nos guiamos por lo que dicta el corazón, aún cuando estamos pensando... pensamientos y sentimeintos van juntos en todo... ellos, sin embargo, usan la cabeza, son incapaces de usar el corazón al mismo tiempo que la racionalidad... o estoy siendo demasiado extremista?

A symptom my marriage was not so good...

It was the year 1995. At the moment my husband and I were apparently doing ok. Until one day in March I got back home from work and told him I was going back to university. The look on his face was one I would remember for a long time, as well as the words he managed to utter..."But why? What is the need of it?" Very calmly I explained to him that just as I was happy with him, there was something missing in my life. We had already been together for 6 years and still no plans for having our children (well... HE still hadn't made up his mind, though I had been ready for so long already! Being the second of five in my family, I was looking forward to having a big family myself as well... but Mr. Lazybones still had to think about what would be best). He could not understand what could be missing: I had travelled to Europe, the States, had a great job, had him to look after my finaces, had built a house on the beach in Patagonia, had our own house in Villa Gesell as well as in Belgrano... so WHAT COULD POSSIBLY be missing in my life?

As whenever we talked about the issues of having a baby he would get very nervous, I said I was not sure what was missing, and used the excuse of the new law in education to start a new career... and he bought it!!
So in April 1995 I started a new life... worked all day like hell, went to university 4 evenings a week and got home after midnight... and in spite of how hard it seemed at first, it helped me to discover I was stil so capable of achieving so much in life. I had reached a stop in my life with him... but could not see a way out. I was an excellent student, participated actively in every lesson and made the best 3 friends I have ever had, who are still my best friends today. But he was not happy, and so he decided he had to travel.
And so my husband travelled to Brazil, supposedly for just a couple weeks, but then decided to stay for a couple months. The reasons he gave? That he needed to think what he wanted, what his aims in life were...

And when he came back, the time he had taken off was not enough, as he then said he needed some more time to decide how to go on from there. And who felt all the blame fall down heavily on her shoulders? Who had felt she had caused such pain in the man she loved? Who felt she had been selfish all along, not thinking in what he needed? Yes... ME!!!!
And as I have always had so much dificulty dealing with guilt, the months that followed were awful, not knowing how to ask him for forgiveness (for what???? If I had done nothing wrong?)

And we were separated for several months... as he needed to think, while I cried all day long, wondering where I had gone wrong, feeling guiltier and guiltier by the day!
And when we got back together one of he things he was able to say (as he hardly spoke about what went on inside his head) was that I had replaced him by my career... Imagine my surprise! As if a person could ever be replaced by anything material!!
And soon... oh surprise... I got pregnant with my first daughter!!!! I was thrilled... though I secretely knew that it was part of his plan for me to drop my studies, which of course I DID NOT!!!!!
Once again, material for a further post!!!!

Where should I start?

It is difficult to know whether to write this blog in English or in Spanish, as I have so many friends from abroad who would also like to read what I have to say...

So I guess I will be writing in whatever language I feel inspired to write in.

As I had said in my previous post, there are many things that I would like to share for those who know me to me get to know me better, and those who don't, to know who I am. So... where to begin?

The year 2001 was one that marked a before and an after in my life, like with so many other Argentineans, though in my case it had nothing to do with the political and social unrest that was going on in the country but with my private life. I could say that I was "happily" married... if living with your spouse of 15 years, and having a daughter, but not sharing anything nor having anything in common can be said to be happily married...

My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer the year that my daughter had been born. She was operated almost immediately, and everything seemed to be going smoothly... she was improving, there were no other signs of cancer in her body and we were all getting ready to celebrate, when in December 2001 she was diagnosed with cancer to the liver, bones and brain. Thus, a new stage in my life, as well as that of my brothers and sisters began. It was just a question of three months for this goddamn illness to destroy my mom completely and take her away from us. In spite of how much we had done in the previous years to fight against this illness, of how many treatments my mother had to undergo, she was ill and dying. She was the bravest person I have ever met, as never once complained, in spite of the terrible pain she was in, and folllowed every drug treatment given to her by her doctors, although she knew it would be useless. But she wanted to teach us the last lesson she would be able to give us: never give up and always fight until the end.
My mother was a great woman, who looked after her five kids when she became a widow very young in life. She was always an example to be followed, never complaining, always giving out a helping hand to those in need... and dying the worst of deaths, consumed by cancer but still never giving up hope, for her children's sake.
And with death still more changes were to take place in my, until then, very comfortable and happy life.
That will be material for a next post.

Animarse a más...

Durante mucho tiempo me han estado insistiendo, aquellos me me conocen y me quieren bien, que empezara un blog... para verter en él mis sentimientos y vivencias. Y fue mucho lo que luché con mi conciencia, la cual me decía que hay cosas que es mejor olvidar, otras guardar para uno mismo, y otras tomarlas, copiarlas y mejorar gracias a ellas.
Pues, la batalla no la ganó mi conciencia sino yo. Por una vez, este triunfo es mío. Y es para compartirlo con aquellos que me conocen... al igual que aquellos que no. Ésta puede llegar a ser una muy buena forma de empezar a dejar atrás el pasado y mirar hacia adelante...